I am done waiting. Are you?

Over the last few months, I've been digging into my habitual waiting as if it was a weed with a long root system. I've been searching for the end of it. I wanted to understand where this waiting came from and why I kept returning to it. What am I waiting for? Why do I keep waiting? Here's what I have discovered...

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CourageMama Workshop {you don't want to miss this!}

We are CourageMamas. But sometimes we forget this. In the daily grind of motherhood as we make snacks, change diapers, fold laundry, pick up toys, do the dishes, walk the dog, call family, share photos and updates of our kids, work, do the bedtime routine, and crash on the couch at the end of the day, we forget who we are.

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I am not wrong or bad. I am human (and so are you).

I feel like I am two people living in one body. One of me is in the world driven by a deep ambition to create and serve. The other me is home chasing my daughter around the room with a diaper in one hand and pajamas in the other trying to distract her and make her laugh so I can get her ready for bed, yet again.

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Putting myself out there is SO HARD

When I turned 40, just a few months ago, I had an epiphany.  All my life I have been waiting - waiting for my life to be what I want it to be, waiting for someone else to do the hard work for me, waiting for someone else to make me happy, waiting for someone to take care of me and love me, waiting to face my anxiety and fear, waiting to deal with the ache in my heart - the knowing that I haven't even come close to reaching my potential.  I realized, at my 40th birthday, that I am done waiting.  I will not do it any longer.  

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I've Officially Retired

It's important to know when you're done with something.  It's important to know when you have had enough of it in your lifetime, that you're glad you did it and had the experience, but you don't want it anymore. This pertains to running, eating sugar, drinking alcohol, being late, procrastinating, feeling unworthy, having debt, eating bread, staying up too late, watching netflix...it can be anything.

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Last Weekend I Came In DEAD LAST

As cooly as I can I walk over to the runners, many of whom I know, and ask about the course. They mention in amused tones that we'll be starting here and running straight up a hill for 1/2 a mile and then going up and down hills from there. They laugh and reminisce about past runs on this course and how "grueling" they were. I laugh too but inside I can feel tears coming. I swallow them down and find my place in the back of the pack.

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Amanda Upton
What are you trusting?

I know now that no matter how deep into the night my husband I talk, how many forums I peruse, or how many conversations I have with other mothers, nothing and no one is going to give me 2 thumbs up and say "you have got this whole mothering thing figured out...you are amazing and the best mother in the world!" It's just not gonna happen.

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Amanda Upton
What We Can Learn From Discomfort

No matter how many stories we've heard or how many bits of advice we've gathered, there's still so much we don't know or understand. This place of not-knowing is UNCOMFORTABLE. It feels hard, tiring, uncertain, confusing, stressful.

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Amanda Upton
You Need This More Than Sleep

I thought I knew who I was but now it's all mixed up and I'm not sure who I am now, what I want, or where I'm going. I also miss my old life and my old self and at the same time love my new life and my new self. I'm also wondering how I'm ever going to get back to my sewing projects, art, exercise, friends, writing, travel, or yoga practice.

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Amanda Upton
Bring it on!

But on this Birthday, I said to myself bring it on! Bring on the song, the big hat, the fried ice cream, the stares from other tables, my daughter screaming in delight, my big smile, my husband taking videos and pictures, the silliness of it all. I loved every second and didn't want it to end.

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Amanda Upton
The Value of a Coach

What has helped me get through the toughest moments and also helped me build self-compassion and self-confidence along the way is life coaching. It helped me process the loss of not being able to breastfeed. It helped me form a closer bond and deeper connection with my partner. It helped me find my voice as a leader. It helped me reconnect to inspiration and creativity.

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Amanda Upton